A month or so ago I attended a seminar about depression. It was held in our college. I realised what I’d been calling emptiness for too long was actually depression. When death doesn’t sound scary but like a relief, that’s depression. Apparently, I had been in depression. Sad part was, I didn’t want to accept it. When you accept that you have depression, you have to treat it and I didn’t have time for that.
Soon I realised, that my sister and my younger brother needed therapy way more than I did. I had friends who heard my problems along with them, all they had was me and each other. We don’t have money for therapy.
Yesterday, I came across a Trauma Support Group. They were going to start free sessions from today. They’re doing it for the first time. I signed up.
All day yesterday, I kept thinking about how much I’ll share. I decided, I needed to say it all. Weirdly enough, I am comfortable talking about my problems in front of strangers more than friends and family.
By the end of today’s session, I was feeling raw, but better. I knew I would continue going.
Last night was one of the bad nights for me, I was feeling way to broken to be fixed and my future had seemed bleak. After the session today, I thought there was a chance of healing.
After coming back though, I slept for 4 hours in the afternoon. I felt a deep sadness that I can’t explain and I felt tired of everything. So I slept.
I remember what people say about therapy, it’ll crumble you, it’ll break you and then it will rebuild you, it’ll heal you.
This ointment of therapy and sharing my problems, it stings right now. All day today, I kept thinking about my trauma, about things that happened, about how I’m tired and I want it all to be over (Don’t worry, I’ve never had suicidal thoughts, even though I do want it all to just end).
Right now I think I’ve signed up for some crumbling. I think it is going to sting for a while. And I’m hoping, yes, hoping, that after all this is over, I won’t feel constantly broken or breaking.