Deny. The word reminds me of an old friend of mine. I changed schools in 6th grade and so did she. So we were both newcomers. The teacher made us sit together for no particular reason, and that’s when we started talking.
She was an introvert, and so was I. We both loved the same kinda music. We both liked to note down the lyrics and sing them together in class. So we both started carrying these small pocket sized diaries, we wrote lyrics on. She carried with her a lot of glitter pens. Different colors. She would make these pretty dresses on the corner of our notebooks. She’d make sketches of dresses and color them. And I’d get to pick which one I wanted.
We were a group of three, but everyone knew that she was my best friend and I hers. There was only one thing that we really disagreed on. She used to say, that her Mommy says:
“That we should often, and deliberately, deny what our heart wanted.”
I think her logic behind it was, that if we deny our heart stuff then when one day we really want something and don’t get it, it’ll hurt less. On paper that sounds good and even logical, but I would never agree to it. I’m sure it made sense to her, but it never made any sense to me.
From a very young age, I was only taught to find happiness in the small things. So if a small gesture made me happy, I would never deliberately deny myself of it.
Wasn’t life handing us enough lemons already? Why start growning lemons yourself?
Anyway, she left school in 8th standard. Her parents weren’t happy with her grades in this school. They didn’t like her wasting her time on phone, so I couldn’t contact her much. We lost touch. I still remember her birthday and the sadness in her eyes and the friendship we shared and her passion for designing and our tuneless singing sessions and what not. I still remember her and I still remember her words. And I can just hope, that she doesn’t live by them anymore. I just hope that she learns to let her heart find joy, in the small things.