<a href="http://Deny“>

Deny. The word reminds me of an old friend of mine. I changed schools in 6th grade and so did she. So we were both newcomers. The teacher made us sit together for no particular reason, and that’s when we started talking.

She was an introvert, and so was I. We both loved the same kinda music. We both liked to note down the lyrics and sing them together in class. So we both started carrying these small pocket sized diaries, we wrote lyrics on. She carried with her a lot of glitter pens. Different colors. She would make these pretty dresses on the corner of our notebooks. She’d make sketches of dresses and color them. And I’d get to pick which one I wanted.

We were a group of three, but everyone knew that she was my best friend and I hers. There was only one thing that we really disagreed on. She used to say, that her Mommy says:
“That we should often, and deliberately, deny what our heart wanted.”

I think her logic behind it was, that if we deny our heart stuff then when one day we really want something and don’t get it, it’ll hurt less. On paper that sounds good and even logical, but I would never agree to it. I’m sure it made sense to her, but it never made any sense to me.

From a very young age, I was only taught to find happiness in the small things. So if a small gesture made me happy, I would never deliberately deny myself of it.

Wasn’t life handing us enough lemons already? Why start growning lemons yourself?

Anyway, she left school in 8th standard. Her parents weren’t happy with her grades in this school. They didn’t like her wasting her time on phone, so I couldn’t contact her much. We lost touch. I still remember her birthday and the sadness in her eyes and the friendship we shared and her passion for designing and our tuneless singing sessions and what not. I still remember her and I still remember her words. And I can just hope, that she doesn’t live by them anymore. I just hope that she learns to let her heart find joy, in the small things.


Second Session at the Support Group

<a href="http://Athletic“>

My second meet at the support group was pathetic. They asked me about what good had happened in the past week. I didn’t have much to say, the week had been horrible. They asked me about the bad stuff and I had a lot of it, so I filtered and talked only about the worse things. 

I wasn’t feeling very comfortable talking. I had snoozed my alarm 5 times in the morning, because I didn’t feel like going. While I was there, I felt like running away. In the end of the session that day, no one hugged no one. I’m glad we didn’t, because I was in no mood for human touch. It took me a week to finally write this post; so you get the drift about how bad it really was.

But what really hit home, and what I took from this session is this. 

When I was young, I was very athletic. You could see me playing some sport all the time. I was a heathy teenager as I grew, with a somewhat athletic body. Toned legs, strong arms and good at back exercises. 

Last week, one day while I was lying down, I got locked in one position. There had been some pain in my back and chest for a while now, but I was ignoring it; accounting it to stress. But this, I couldn’t ignore. I was on a call with a friend, and she started panicking. I asked her not to panic, lay straight and kept talking to her as if everything was normal. As if, it didn’t feel like my rib cage would explode if I moved. As if, every breath did not pain me. I lay straight.

I admitted it to the group that Sunday and I’m gonna admit it to you now. I am not a heathy person anymore. My body is not athletic. I tire easy. Little stress leads to headaches. And if I skip sleep some day, my body aches the next day. 

And now I’ve decided, this isn’t the way I wanna be. I like it better when I don’t go breathless every time I climb six floors of stairs to reach my floor. I like it better, when I feel heathy.

Eat, Sleep, Procrastinate

<a href="http://Pamper“>

Pampering myself is the one thing I’m really good at. If I don’t feel good, I go buy myself something to eat. If I really, really, really don’t feel like leaving the bed, I skip the first class, If I’m too depressed to work, I let myself procrastinate till the very last minute. Is this something to be proud about? Well usually, no it’s not.

But when you realise life is too short and very cruel, when you realise that no prince charming will show up to save you.. you learn to save yourself. You learn to love yourself. And you learn to pamper yourself, when you feel the need to be pampered.

There is this another thing that comes to my mind when I think of being pampered. I moved to Delhi, two and a half years ago. Like me, many of my friends came to Delhi from their hometowns as well. And now, home is a place we get pampered at. 

At home, when we were in school we had household chores divided amongst us siblings. 

But now, when we go home, we get pampered. Everyone at home has to eat our favourite food, you get to choose where to go when going out, you’re allowed to stay at the terrace for an extra hour, you get some extra pocket money when you leave, loads and loads of love and basically you’re the favourite kid at home while you’re there.

So even though since my mother’s death, home’s not like the above described paradise anymore. I still have the memories of it being one. And those memories help me get through a lot of my bad days. Those memories of all the fierce love that I received from my mother, hold a fuzzy spot in my heart.

All the love!

Ps I’ll tell you all about my second session at the Trauma Support Group tomorrow. 

I’ve signed up to crumble, willingly

<a href="http://Sting“>

A month or so ago I attended a seminar about depression. It was held in our college. I realised what I’d been calling emptiness for too long was actually depression. When death doesn’t sound scary but like a relief, that’s depression. Apparently, I had been in depression. Sad part was, I didn’t want to accept it. When you accept that you have depression, you have to treat it and I didn’t have time for that. 

Soon I realised, that my sister and my younger brother needed therapy way more than I did. I had friends who heard my problems along with them, all they had was me and each other. We don’t have money for therapy. 

Yesterday, I came across a Trauma Support Group. They were going to start free sessions from today. They’re doing it for the first time. I signed up. 

All day yesterday, I kept thinking about how much I’ll share. I decided, I needed to say it all. Weirdly enough, I am comfortable talking about my problems in front of strangers more than friends and family. 

By the end of today’s session, I was feeling raw, but better. I knew I would continue going. 

Last night was one of the bad nights for me, I was feeling way to broken to be fixed and my future had seemed bleak. After the session today, I thought there was a chance of healing.

After coming back though, I slept for 4 hours in the afternoon. I felt a deep sadness that I can’t explain and I felt tired of everything. So I slept. 

I remember what people say about therapy, it’ll crumble you, it’ll break you and then it will rebuild you, it’ll heal you.

This ointment of therapy and sharing my problems, it stings right now. All day today, I kept thinking about my trauma, about things that happened, about how I’m tired and I want it all to be over (Don’t worry, I’ve never had suicidal thoughts, even though I do want it all to just end). 

Right now I think I’ve signed up for some crumbling. I think it is going to sting for a while. And I’m hoping, yes, hoping, that after all this is over, I won’t feel constantly broken or breaking.


<a href=”http://Penchant“>

Penchant. Hmm.. This one is both a penchant and a guilty pleasure for me. So, dear reader, you’re going to be the first ones I share this secret with. Here I go,

I love reading fan fictions. Mostly romantic ones.

So I know some people might think the idea of someone writing about a supposed relationship or a love story with their celebrity crushes or a favourite character from some book, is a little cringe worthy. But I’ll be honest here, I’ve had this huge crush on a particular singer for way too long now, and I read romantic fan fictions on him. *Sigh* 

There. I said it.

So for those of you who’ve never read a fan fiction, I’ll tell you this:

Yes, they might seem a bit obsessive at times and cringe worthy too. But it’s all about finding a good one.

So you might me able to find your favourite celeb playing a bad boy, a bully, a handsome soldier, just a shy nerdy classmate, your new next door neighbor(!), anything really. One thing I’ve noticed, imagination of these fan fic authors runs wild. 

Also, there is a possibility that you actually might come across a good writer. I’ve come across quality books quite a few times. 

You’ll feel good to realise that there are plently of people who understand the intensity of your liking, for someone you don’t even know. It’s like a community.

And on days that I’ve either been sad or sick..  binge reading fan fics has proven to be good for me. 

So log on to Wattpad maybe, and give it a try? Couldn’t hurt. Also, try and avoid the ones that change the sexual orientation of your favourite celebs, the images you form take time to leave. And please don’t judge?

Need to stop wearing heels! (and stressing)

<a href=”http://Finite“>

I was always aware of the fact that I’m not wonder woman but last night, I realised exactly how finite the energy I have is.

Before you read more, I feel bound to tell you, that this post is going to include a lot of cribbing.

So after the audition(a quick read to Leap of Faith for more on that) , which went fine by the way (I cleared the first round and the second went fine too. They’ll announce the results in a few days) I went straight home (I call my hostel home 🐷). On the way home I was with two of the participants who also got selected for the second round, so basically I didn’t shut up much. We were talking and talking and talking. After I got home, I told my sister, my roommate and my best friend about the audition, seperately. Then I finally made some chai and went to the terrace, as planned. And guess what? A friend called. Again, no time to relax.

So by the time I got into bed, I was dead on my feet. My feet were hurting bad, because I had been wearing heels all day. And I think all the stress that I took for this audition was adding up to the exhaustion. I don’t think I’ve ever needed a massage so bad in my life. But as luck would have it, there was no chance I would get a massage. So I broke my let’s sleep at 3 am rule and slept at 1.

For the past 3 days, I’ve only been sleeping for 4 hours. And not because I’m busy, but because I’m ridiculous.

Anyway, so I slept early. This morning when my alarm rang, I heard it and I dismissed it. My roommate tried to shake me to wake me, so that I wouldn’t miss college. But when I opened my eyes, apparently they were all red. I still felt like a heavy stone, unable to move or think. I decided I was gonna skip college and slept for 13 hours straight.

In the evening she and I went for shopping. I hate shopping! And I was wearing heels. Again! So as I lie on my bed right now and write this just before I sleep, my feet still hurt and I’m too tired to move.

Let’s just say, I definitely have a very finite amount of energy in me. Yet, there is no way I’m missing college tomorrow!

Leap of Faith

I was scrolling through my insta feed ―because scrolling through my Instagram and facebook feed, cover a big chunk of my daily activities― that is when I came across a post saying.. Mtv, casting call for budding actors and set up crew. 

I was fourteen when I started dreaming of becoming an actress or a model. A shy girl who dreamt of being the centre of attention. Too cliché, ain’t it? Well, initially I thought so too. So it was always a career at the back of my mind, but whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be.. I would say something like, an editor, journalist, a lecturer?

Recently I told my sister I want to give myself a shot in the modelling industry, she was overjoyed to hear it. So were my friends. Yet, in my head, a voice kept whispering, “Are you crazy? There are so many struggling actors and models out there, you’re just going to end up as one of them.” I keep pushing the voice back because I have been listening to it for the past seven years. 

No more, I said to the voice. No more, I said to myself.

Frankly, I don’t know if I’m elevating myself or if I’m preparing myself for a set back. Yet, here I am. At an audition. All set to go in. I don’t expect to get selected after just one audition, so I think I’m gonna invest my time into this often. I don’t know if I’m wasting my time here, or if it will lead to something better. I don’t know if I’m gonna go home and feel the voice getter louder inside my head or not. I don’t know if this is who I’m supposed to be.
All I know is that, this is me taking a leap of faith for myself. All I know is that even if I don’t get selected.. I’m gonna go home, sit on the terrace and drink a cup of chai (tea).
I recently watched The Age Of Adaline, and in the movie Ellis asks Adaline to ‘Let go’. I think I’m gonna let go of all expectations for today. And isn’t that sort of elevating in itself?<a href=”http://Elevate“><a href=”http://Elevate“><a href=”http://Elevate“>